The here and now.

May 6, 2014 § Leave a comment

It wasn’t like I made a promise to myself a year or so ago, or set a really strict rule, it was more like a friendly advice from me to myself; do not get romantically involved with someone at this point in your life. You have your Master Plan and a guy will just mess with that and your head and heart.

Well, long story short; I have been romantically involved with a guy since February and it does mess with my Master Plan, my head and heart. But! Not as much as I thought it would. This is not a reflection of my strong mind and matter; this is solely to the guy’s credit. His bottom line to all my plans is “go for it!”

When the natural discussion about plans for the future came up, I had to tell him about my Master Plan. It was difficult in a way, I was nervous. I mean, we had just met and one of the first things I have to tell him is that for the last three years I have been seriously planning on moving – not just to another city – but to a whole other continent. Here we are, sitting across each other at the dinner table, just starting to get to know each other, just starting to really like each other, just….starting…basically. And there’s already some huge obstacle in the near future. I have named that obstacle C.A.R.: A Cross-Atlantic Relationship. That’s a pretty name for a long fucking distance relationship!

He’s the calm one in all this, he support my dream and tells me it will happen. That I will do it, that I will be okay. And with glee he tells me he can come visit. He’s the optimist. It rubs off on me now and then, but I must admit I have my moments of desperation and tears. I don’t know the future but I sense pain in it no matter which direction it takes. If I go to L.A. and we stick together I’ll miss him like hell and half my heart will be back here in Norway – wasn’t that something I really-really wanted to avoid? ‘Cause when I first go I want to go wholeheartedly, right? And if we split up before I go I’ll have to deal with a broken heart in addition to everything else – getting a job, getting a place to stay, getting friends, figuring out how everything over there in US and LA works, being away from friends and family and everything familiar, being on my absolute alone…

So you might call me naïve but I choose to live for the here and now. Why look to the part of the future you know holds pain?

You musn’t be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.

February 17, 2014 § 1 Comment

I went out with a friend for a couple of drinks one night. We were having a good time just the two of us, talking and giggling. Two guys, one of them a bit drunk and the other wearing a funny hat, entered the same bar and started talking to us. They seemed like okay, nice guys so we didn’t mind. The conversation naturally entered the whole chapter of what do you do, where do you work and so on. The drunk guy asked me what I was doing and I told him about my interior stylist/consultant studies. A natural follow up question for him was what kind of job I could get. I told him my options and he further asked what my dream job would be out of all those alternatives. I took two seconds to consider if I should give him some easy-going no-fuss answer but decided to go for the absolute truth: “I want to be an interior consultant and home stylist living in Los Angeles, spending my free time surfing at the beach”, I told him. In the corner of my eye I saw his friend get the wow-awesome-expression on his face but this guy, oh man…. He just went totally apeshit on what a cliché it all was, Los Angeles and The American Dream, how incredibly unnecessary it was to go to the other side of the planet when I could stay so much closer to home where everything would be so much easier, and what if I got into trouble, no no no, this was a bad idea, what if I get there and it doesn’t work out, and….and…just why….why, Los Angeles huh, planning on becoming famous or something….

I got most pissed about his view on the getting into trouble far away from home-aspect; If anything happened I was screwed – no matter what. If I got into trouble, difficulties or just a situation of some sorts, there was no way I was capable of getting out of it. Like he would know after talking to me for five minutes, what I am capable of or not! (Maybe his view is colored by what he thinks he himself is capable of, and thus he measures everyone by that standard. So his view actually just reflects his own incapability? Hm.)

Okay, he was a bit drunk, but I cannot believe how rude and insensitive he was! As he finished his rant about how stupid he thought my dream was, although he never actually used those words, I knew I had two choices. I could either go all apeshit and mad right back at him, or I could take into account how little he knows about who I am, that he’s drunk and that the poor thing probably doesn’t have the imagination to think that life can be different than working 9-5, having a wife, kids, house, car and the occasional holiday to some island in the Mediterranean.

I decided to take the high road and smile a little as I explained my view on life, that everyone can’t do what everyone else does, and as the headline says, one musn’t be afraid to dream a little bigger, dream a little differently. I also calmly but firmly told him that I know how to take care of myself. He sensed my firmness and backed off a bit, and I explained a bit more how I was planning on getting on with my dream. And something I said ticked him off again and he started ranting on about remember this and think about that, do it like this, but don’t be like that. I couldn’t contain my irritation then and looked him straight in the eyes; “Hey, I’m not a total idiot, okay?!I don’t need advice from some random drunk guy!”

He got it then. He became all apologetic and all, but I could sense he was a bit offended too, probably because I had called him some random drunk guy. Or maybe he was just pissed that I had embarrassed him a bit in front of his friend ‘cause his friend with the funny hat was laughing at my response – I think he saw it coming (’cause he hadn’t been drinking as much) and thought his drunk friend deserved that one. We lay the subject dead and talked a bit more about harmless stuff, both me and my friend with him and his friend. It became closing time but just to not leave things sort of “unsettled” I turned to the drunk guy and said; “I have my dream and I am fully aware of the fact that it might all go to pieces. But no matter if it does or not, we might bump into each other again and then I will have a pretty good story to tell you, how about that?” He laughed wholeheartedly at that, got up and shook my hand eagerly – he was suddenly totally on board about me pursuing my dream.

I guess we can agree on one thing then, the drunk guy and I, we both like a good story…

Hook, chain and concrete.

November 19, 2013 § 1 Comment

-“I’m scared, Gandalf”.

-“Really? Why? What of?”

-“I don’t really know… It’s just very dark around me. Sometimes really really dark. And I just feel like something’s holding me back, holding me in that darkness. A giant hook on a rusty chain violently thrust into my back and wrapped around my spine, the chain nailed to a giant slab of concrete, drenched in sickening slime. I’m trying to pull free of the hook and the concrete and the slime, but it wont let go.”

-“Well… Ummm… That was a very… specific description of your feelings. Why… why do you….?”

-“You’re right. I need to know the why…”

-“Let’s start with the first things that comes to mind that you’re scared of.”

-“I’m scared that it will all turn out to be a huge mistake. That I wont just not like my job, the people I meet, the city, the food, the place I get to live and so on. I’m scared I’m actually gonna hate it. To dislike something is easy to change. If you don’t like where you live, you move. Don’t like the people, you hang with someone else. But hating the overall picture, hating the major stuff will tell me it was all a mistake. All that time, energy and money spent on something I ended up hating, when I could’ve spent it on something else.”

-“It’s not easy to see from where you are now, but I don’t think it will be a mistake even if you end up hating it and leave again after a short amount of time. ‘Cause the way you live now, it is not a full life. You’re restless and unhappy. Going through with your Master Plan, going to LA is part of getting rid of that hook, concrete and slime. Even if you end up hating it you will have achieved a sense of…freedom, I guess…. I think you seek that kind of freedom, with all your might and heart. So doing this will and can never be a mistake.”

-“I might get in trouble. Forget to file one tiny itsy bitsy document and turn into an illegal immigrant. Get mugged. Get lost. Be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Meet the wrong people. Loose all my money and end up on the street. Get sick or injured. I wouldn’t even know where to begin…”

-“You are stronger and smarter than you think. And don’t be too proud to ask for help. Most people are happy to help. I know you are. Don’t be afraid to be honest, don’t be afraid to show your feelings. It is to be a fellow human being to help each other out, and it is also to be a fellow human being to sometimes be the one in need of help.”

-“But too much honesty sometimes scare people.”

-“Than know that they are probably more scared then, of you, than what you are of them. We are simply scared of the things we just don’t understand. And if we are used to illusions, façade and deceit, a glimpse of honesty can for an instant throw anyone of us off our game… But let’s leave it at that for now. What else are you scared of?”

-“I’m scared I wont be able to finish my education. You see, I’m sitting here, day in and day out, alone. No classes, no teachers, no feedbacks or kicks in the butt. Being a student over the internet is a pretty challenging state. And a tiring state. I’m scared I wont be able to do it properly, and that would be really bad ‘cause my education is my ticket to L.A. Without this diploma I don’t have the confidence to apply for the jobs I want.”

-“Is there anything you can do to make you feel less alone?”

-“There’s a forum on the internet for all those of us who takes this course.”

-“Good! Use that forum more often! Ask people what they do to motivate themselves or get the discipline to just get things done. Consult with people! I consulted with Saruman in times of need, turned out to be a bit of a….well….*caugh* mistake….. but still.”

-“Haha!”

-“So your main concerns are that you might not finish your education, and that you might hate L.A.”

-“Yes.”

-“And this creates insecurity an doubts that holds you back like a hook chained to a giant piece of concrete drenched in slime.”

-“Yes.”

-“And is that a state you prefer to stay in?”

-“No! Of course not, you know that.”

-“Then don’t you see, that in one way it doesn’t matter what you do, you just need to do something that will rid you of that hook. Going through with your master plan is one way of doing it, and thus, the master plan can never be a mistake – as I’ve already pointed out. In fact, I think you’ll have the time of your life. Difficulties will occur, troubles needs to be avoided, different situations needs to be dealt with, but ultimately, in the end – which will actually be the beginning – you will have a blast beyond anything!”

-“I’m starting to feel a warm, fuzzy, golden, glowing ball inside me… A bit of light in the darkness…”

-“Draw strength from that glowing ball and start taking on the different tasks ahead, one step at a time. Take the boring steps, take the more fun ones, take the hard ones, take them all in the order they appear. Take them all! One step at a time. Steady. Forward. Slowly you will drag the slab of concrete out and away from the slime. A bit later you will be able to yank the chain loose from the concrete, and even a bit after that again, you can straighten out the hook and pull it out from your back. Exhausted you might  tremble and almost fall, but you will catch your breath, straighten up, and walk away.”

-“It’s gonna be tough… It already is. But I can do it.”

-“I know you can.”

A song for Los Angeles

August 15, 2013 § 1 Comment

This song has become my song to Los Angeles. Whenever I hear it I think of the city, my dreams and visions. And especially one line reflects what is written all over my heart; “Am I wrong for thinking that we could be something for real?” Am I, LA?

“Am I wrong for thinking out the box from where I stay?
Am I wrong for saying that I’ll choose another way?
I ain’t trying to do what everybody else doing
Just cause everybody doing what they all do
If one thing I know, how far would I grow?
I’m walking down this road of mine, this road that I call home

[Hook]
So am I wrong for thinking that we could be something for real?
Now am I wrong for trying to reach the things that I can’t see?
But that’s just how I feel, that’s just how I feel
That’s just how I feel trying to reach the things that I can’t see

[Verse 2]
Am I tripping for having a vision?
My prediction; I’mma be on the top of the world
Hope you, hope you don’t look back, always do what you decide
Don’t let them control your life, that’s just how I feel
Fight for yours and don’t let go, don’t let them compare you, no
Don’t, you’re not alone, that’s just how we feel.”

Who knew my brother to be so right?

July 24, 2013 § Leave a comment

For a few months I’ve lacked motivation. And I’ve been not only upset or frustrated, but furious and really confused – how can I say the one moment that LA is what I want when I the next don’t do what I need to do to get there?? It has made me wonder if I’m simply too undiciplined to get it done, or worse, too lazy. I’ve felt too easily distracted, too easily unfocused, too inefficient… And all this with the constant knowledge that if I don’t get this done I got nothing. So yes, I’ve been lacking motivation lately, but only because I’ve been stressed! out! of! my! mind!!

So one evening I pour out my frustration to my brother. I tell him about the stress, how I feel like my own worst enemy ’cause I’m so lazy, unfocused, undiciplined, unmotivated, stupid… That I myself is the only reason this isn’t working out. I tell him about how this quiet small town life frustrates me, depresses me and alienates me from who I want to be and what I want my life to be like. My brother listens, and when I have poured it all out he says a few, but very simple things.

My brother says that yes, it is frustrating, but all the time you put into this now, is time you will get back when you are done. And then the time will be like you want it to be. Then you can spend your time like you want to. So yes, a frustrating small town life makes you perhaps seek out distractions to help you “feel alive” now and then, but all the time you spend on the distractions – that will end and you’ll be back to the small town life again – is time taken from the life you want for real. Sacrifice the distractions, sacrifice some social events, but not all – work hard now, and you can relax and actually enjoy your life later.

So easily put, so right, and so said at the right time. Who knew my brother could be so right about something? ‘Cause I knew, when he said what he said, that if I did what he said, I would be able to finish my studies. And when I’ve finished there’s nothing holding me back – all I have to do next is pack my bag and buy the ticket for the plane that’s gonna take me to LA! Now there’s and uplifting and inspirational thought!

Looking for Yoda.

April 26, 2013 § Leave a comment

I’m so tired of fighting. I fight day in and day out, and even during the nights – whatever dreams I remember are all dreams with a great sense of being lost. Sometimes physical, very often in large houses with many doors, rooms, corners, stairs and walls, and sometimes it’s just a feeling I carry throughout the entire dream. And I wake up morning after morning with a headache from clenching my teeth and fists in my sleep. I fight against myself, the one side saying “It is possible. You know it is! ‘Cause you’re smart, and you really want this, you’re good, you’re cool, you can do this!” and the other saying “You?! Working in sunny Los Angeles?! Fat chance! You stupid or something, actually believing that can happen to you?!”

I’m so tired of being alone in this fight. I’m so tired of having to deal with Life on my own. There’s no wingman. No buddy. No just “someone special”. No boyfriend, no soulmate, no husband, noone like that. And no Yoda or Obi-Wan.

I don’t want anyone to do this for me. That’s not what I need Yoda for; it is still my Plan and my Dream. I would just like a little help getting there. A shoulder to lean on once in a while. But I know I can be a bit “cold”, I mean, I’m not a typical “hugger”, so maybe it’s just that people don’t know that I need like a million hugs, ’cause I rarely show that side of me.

That’s one of the reasons why I want to move to Los Angeles – to thaw my heart, soften my shoulders, peel away some layers, become more real. Become who I sometimes believe I am suppose to be. Maybe I put too much faith in billion grains of sand, and sunsets in all the golden colors you can imagine. But even if it should turn out to be just a piece in the puzzle, I will be glad I found it.

Nathaniel Branden’s Self-Esteem Meditations

April 8, 2013 § Leave a comment

The challenge of self-acceptance is not confined to acknowledging faults. You can be as frightened of your assets as of your shortcomings. Some of us are afraid to accept our own intelligence, ambition, excitement, or beauty. We might be afraid that these traits will alienate us from others or invite their envy and hostility.

http://www.nathanielbranden.com

I hate my education right now.

March 12, 2013 § Leave a comment

I’m so fucking pissed and frustrated! I’m three weeks late on my last assignment and I can see my dream, my goal and my Master Plan slipping away like a mirage in the desert. I whisper “I don’t want to give up, I don’t want to give up…. If I don’t get this done, if I don’t do this, then what am I gonna do?? There is no Plan B. I’ve been struggling for years just to come up with a Plan A! There is no Plan B….”

My evil thoughts tell me over and over again “see, we told you, you can never make it, you suck at this, you can never pull your act together, you will never make anything of yourself ’cause you can’t even crap out the dicipline to get your assignments done in time, you’re a looser, you’re stupid to think you could ever get this done! Why did you even start to dream of sunny Los Angeles and a decent job, huh? You’re pathetic. Who are you to think that you can do anything special? Who are you to think that you’re any good at this? How can you convince a future employer that you’re a future star when you don’t believe in yourself? You’re stupid, pathetic, undisciplined, don’t even know what’s best for yourself, you’re incapable of looking ahead and see Los Angeles as the big carrot that it is. You make this big plan for your life out of pure desperation to try to turn your life into something else than what you know it always was and always will be. There are no heroes, no one will save you…”

Being late on my assignment makes me stressed and unfocused, and you can’t rush creativity either. So things are moving sooooo slowly… I’ve been sitting on my stool for four hours straight today and all I got done was to draw a few lines and then erase them ’cause it didn’t work. My perfectionist-gene works against me. Nothing is good enough.

– “But it is your mistakes in your assignments that you learn the most from”, Gandalf interjects, “so maybe it’s not so bad that it’s not perfect, you learn more if it’s not.”

– “Yeah, but my mistakes doesn’t come from me not knowing any better, it comes from my stress. My stress makes me sloppy and careless. And sloppy mistakes are not things you learn from, the only thing you learn are things you already knew; that you can do better.”

– “You’re being very hard on yourself.”

– “‘Cause I want to excel in this. I want to shine! And I don’t want it so I have something to show for, you know, something to brag about to others, no, I want this for me! No one else! Me!”

– “You need to ease up though.”

– “No. To ease up means getting sloppy, not caring so much. I don’t do sloppy!”

– “But your going numb here. That’s not much better. Your head feels heavy and your thoughts runs in loops. Try to crack the loop!”

– “You think I’m not trying??! What the hell do you think my head is so heavy for, huh??! For trying, that’s why!! For trying but not getting shit done!! I’m trying to hang on to my dream and my Master Plan. I’m trying to get my assignments done in time, I’m trying to be creative and smart, I’m trying to relax in between the battles, I’m trying to work so I earn money and can save some for my trip to Los Angeles, I’m trying not to break down in desperation as I see my dream slip away, I’m trying to hope that I have the strength to do this, I’m trying trying trying… And it doesn’t feel like I move an inch forward… I don’t know what to do anymore…”

– “I wish there was more I could do…”

– “You know what, you could just leave me alone, Gandalf… Just leave…Go! Just go…”

Gandalf sighs and leaves. A door shuts in the distant and I’m alone in the dark. I miss him already, but he will be back. Besides, right now…. right now I need something else than the traditional warm, caring and heartfelt, yet the perfect amount of kick-in-the-butt-and-to-the-point motivational speech from an old dude. I need a miracle.

Doubt.

February 25, 2013 § Leave a comment

I live with constant doubt that I’ll ever make it to L.A. I doubt myself and my plan. It would be easier if I could believe a little bit more in myself. Then how can I make these kind of plans if I don’t believe in myself? ‘Cause it is not belief that has driven me to make this plan to begin with, I have realized it is because I had a wild idea, and add that to the fact that I’m simply a bit naive and you have my Master Plan.

The battle against my own doubt has barely begun and I live in fear that I’ll quit too soon.

Some things gained and some things lost.

January 28, 2013 § 2 Comments

It’s after weekends like this last one my plan cracks at the corners, squeaks at the hinges, rattles in the closet: I’ve been away with my fiddlers group on a seminar and I know I’m gonna miss musical experiences like this a lot… assuming I ever make it to L.A. though…..

Together as a group we worked on the different tunes, we focused on the difficult parts and we played them over and over and over and over a million times until we got it right! We ended up with some pretty good playing at the end. To work and live like this for a while is happiness to me: Most importantly I live in the moment – I’m so focused I forget other things and worries – it’s like a holiday for the head and heart. The value of that, to me, is far greater than the amount in any Swiss bank account. And a seminar like this adds even more value through the learning of new stuff, the fact that I get better at something, I get to express myself, I get to be social, eat good food, have a drink or five, and just keep playing. It’s such an inspiration! It’s a huge injection of energy and enthusiasm! The joy all this creates goes straight to the soul. There’s no feeling like it! Mick Jagger, I’m telling you, this… this is satisfaction!

And here I am, planning on leaving this source of joy that so many times “feeds my soul”. But it’s like I’ve said before (both to others but just as much to myself), it’s not that I want to leave this, I just want to go there. Adventure calls, dreams, waves, sun and sand…. To quote myself; “my plan cracks at the corners”, and the reason for that is that it knows it contains not all good things, ’cause yes, there will be great things gained, but there will be losses too…